by David Hayes
Buy Fable: Teeth of Beasts on DVD
Fable suffers from a freaking menagerie of issues. The acting is sub-par on nearly all fronts. Blackthorne delivers her lines slowly, moves slowly, gestures slowly, fights slowly, shoots slowly, seduces slowly... this film was so slow I swore that Michael Bay had something to do with it. Her plodding, cardboard delivery wasn't helped in any way by the tongue-twisting dialogue from writers David R. Williams and Matt Yeager. This film was slooooooow, if you didn't get that yet. I watched the counter on my DVD player until it hit around 100 minutes. Seriously, people. There was a nice performance from genre vet Kathleen Benner as The Spirit of Rage, but I couldn't hear half of it. Which brings me to the technical aspects. To be fair, I've made some crappy, crappy films. I'll admit that. No matter how bad they were, though, they were all in focus. FOCUS! In order to hide the soft focus (and when I say soft, it looks like vaseline smeared on the screen), some awful after effects were used. Now, this is my segue to the visual effects department. I can only imagine the hiring process went like this:
Effects Guy: "Hi, I'm Ted, I'm here for the visual effects job."
Producer: "Hi, Ted. We are creating a dark fantasy/horror film with heavy effects elements, like completely new worlds and creatures!"
Effects Guy: "Cool! What's your budget?"
Producer: "About fifteen dollars and some McDonald's coupons."
Effects Guy: "Oh, well. That's cool, I'm not very good anyway."
Producer: "You're hired!"
Uugh. Fable: Teeth of Beasts is available from Dark Roast Releasing.